Frustrated.tv

• Since light travels faster than sound, people always tend to appear bright until you hear them speak.
• My karma ran over your dogma.
• Never forget that your tools were made by the lowest bidder.
• Psychiatrists say that nothing is right in the left half of your brain, and nothing is left in the right half.
• The average girl would rather have beauty than brains because she knows the average guy can see better than he can think.
• The optimist sees the glass as half full. The pessimist sees the glass as half empty. Unless they don’t like the drink, then it’s reversed.
• The glass isn’t half empty and it isn’t half full. It’s just twice the size it should be.
• A lottery is a tax on people who do not understand math.
• A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. In a government office, there are work stations.
• Alcohol and calculus don’t mix. Never drink and derive.
• Don’t trust anything that bleeds for 5 days and doesn’t die.
• The glass isn’t half empty and it isn’t half full. It’s just waiting for the bar tender to add the ice.
• If ‘pro’ is the opposite of ‘con’, what is the opposite of ‘progress’?
• In most instances, all an argument proves is that two people are present.
• In the entire history of the world, nobody ever washed a rented car.
• It takes great skill to climb the corporate ladder on your knees.
• Living on Earth is expensive, but it does include free trips around the sun.
• There are only 10 types of people in the world — those who understand binary and those who don’t.
• Violence is not the answer. However, it is a pretty good guess.
• War does not determine who is right. War determines who is left.
• Don’t take life too seriously; it isn’t permanent.
• My advice to you is to get married. If you find a good wife, you’ll be happy; if not, you’ll become a philosopher.
• Dream as if you’ll live forever. Live as if you’ll die today.
• Enjoy yourself right now. These are the good ol’ days you’re going to miss in the years ahead.
• You can’t buy love, but you can pay heavily for it.
• Where there is marriage without love, there will be love without marriage.

One of the rare MadTV Gems…

Lolz!

Canada’s new immigration law

1 more day to grind through

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And because my Dad was  a  Pilot for 20 years…

Pilots’ Wisdom

• Every takeoff is optional. Every landing is mandatory.
• If you push the stick forward, the houses get bigger. If you pull the stick back, they get smaller. That is, unless you keep pulling the stick all the way back, then they get bigger again.
• Flying isn’t dangerous. Crashing is what’s dangerous.
• It’s always better to be down here wishing you were up there than up there wishing you were down here.
• The ONLY time you have too much fuel is when you’re on fire.
• The propeller is just a big fan in front of the plane used to keep the pilot cool. Because when it stops, you can actually watch the pilot start sweating.
• When in doubt, hold on to your altitude. No one has ever collided with the sky.
• A ‘good’ landing is one from which you can walk away. A ‘great’ landing is one after which they can use the plane again.
• Learn from the mistakes of others. You won’t live long enough to make all of them yourself.
• You know you’ve landed with the wheels up if it takes full power to taxi to the ramp.
• The probability of survival is inversely proportional to the angle of arrival. Large angle of arrival, small probability of survival and vice-versa.
• Never let an aircraft take you somewhere your brain didn’t get to five minutes earlier.
• Stay out of clouds. The silver lining everyone keeps talking about might be another airplane going in the opposite direction. Reliable sources also report that mountains have been known to hide out in clouds.
• Always try to keep the number of landings you make equal to the number of take offs you’ve made.
• There are three simple rules for making a smooth landing. Unfortunately no one knows what they are.
• You start with a bag full of luck and an empty bag of experience. The trick is to fill the bag of experience before you empty the bag of luck.
• Helicopters can’t fly; they’re just so ugly the earth repels them.
• If all you can see out of the window is ground that’s going round and round and all you can hear is commotion coming from the passenger compartment, things are not at all as they should be.
• In the ongoing battle between objects made of aluminum going hundreds of miles per hour and the ground going zero miles per hour, the ground has yet to lose.
• Good judgment comes from experience. Unfortunately, experience usually comes from bad judgment.
• It’s always a good idea to keep the pointy end going forward as much as possible.
• Keep looking around. There’s always something you’ve missed.
• Remember, gravity is not just a good idea. It’s the law. And it’s not subject to repeal.
• The four most useless things to a pilot are the altitude above you, runway behind you, gas back at the airport, and a tenth of a second ago.
• There are old pilots and there are bold pilots. There are, however, no old, bold pilots.

For Ottawa (ontario, canada) area folks who are of a mind to take in a fair, here’s a handy reference

Ottawa Super Ex: Aug 19-29 (Thu-Sun)
URL: http://www.ottawasuperex.com/
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South Mountain Fair: Aug 19-22 (Thu-Sun)
URL: http://www.southmountainfair.ca/
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Havelock Jamboree: Aug 19-22 (Thu-Sun)
URL: http://www.havelockjamboree.com/
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Shawville Fair: Sep 2-5 (Thu-Fri)
URL: http://shawvillefair.ca/
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Perth Fair: Sep 3-6 (Fri-Mon)
URL: http://www.perthfair.com/
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Renfrew Fair: Sep 8-12 (Wed-Sun)
URL: http://www.renfrewfair.com/
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Spencerville Fair: Sep 9-12 (Thu-Sun)
URL: http://www.spencervillefair.ca/
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Russell Fair: Sep 9-12 (Thu-Sun)
URL: http://www.russellfair.com/
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Richmond Fair: Sep 16-19 (Thu-Sun)
URL: http://www.richmondfair.ca/
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Carp Fair: Sep 23-26 (Thu-Sun)
URL: http://www.carpfair.ca/
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Metcalfe Fair: Sep 30 – Oct 3 (Thu-Sun)
URL: http://www.metcalfefair.com/

Amusing article – Top 5 Laziest Grocery Store Items…I could probably name about 20 more, but this one was by far worse than anything I’ve ever seen:

1. Frozen, pre-made PB &J sandwiches

As a teacher, I’ve seen these in many a lunchbox and I’ve had the (dis)pleasure of taste-testing one firsthand. They are, as you can imagine, totally gross, an amorphous blob of flavorless bread with super-sweet jelly and gritty peanut butter wedged between. More importantly–how is it that people are so lazy that they cannot even be bothered to make a peanut-butter-and-jelly sandwich for their child? Or, for any child over the age of 5, why not teach the kid how to make one for himself?

And we wonder why we’re all fat and in debt.

I mean seriously….holy crap. I live in Canada and I hope I never see these in a grocery store. If I do, I’ll stop frequenting the place.   Read the article – I can only imagine the things she’s seen in the public school system in the states.

Celibacy can be a choice in life, or a condition imposed by circumstances.

While attending a Marriage Weekend, Walter and his wife, Ann, listened to the instructor declare, “It is essential that husbands and wives know the things that are important to each other.”

He addressed the men, “Can you name and describe your wife’s favourite flower?”

Walter leaned over, touched Ann’s arm gently and whispered, “Robin Hood All-Purpose, isn’t it?”
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And thus began Walter’s life of celibacy..

A man is working on the buses in the US collecting tickets.

He rings the bell for the driver to set off when there’s a woman half getting on the bus. The driver sets off, the woman falls from the bus and is killed. At the trial the man is sent down for murder and seeing as it’s Texas he’s sent to the electric chair. On the day of his execution he’s sat in the chair and the executioner grants him a final wish.

“Well” says the man, “is that your packed lunch over there?” “Yes” answers the executioner. “Can I have that green banana?”

The executioner gives the man his green banana and waits till he’s eaten it. When the man’s finished, the executioner flips the switch sending hundreds of thousands of volts through the man. When the smoke clears the man is still alive. The executioner can’t believe it.

“Can I go?” the man asks. “I suppose so” says the executioner, “that’s never happened before.”

The man leaves and eventually gets a job back on the buses selling tickets. Again he rings the bell for the driver to go when people are still getting on. A man falls under the wheels and is killed. The bloke is sent down for murder again and sent to the electric chair. The executioner is determined to do it right this time so rigs the chair up to the electric supply for the whole of Texas.

The bloke is again sat in the chair. “What is your final wish?” asks the executioner. “Can I have that green banana in your packed lunch ?” says the condemned man. The executioner sighs and reluctantly gives up his banana. The bloke eats the banana all up and the executioner flips the switch. Millions of volts course through the chair blacking out Texas. When the smoke clears the man is still sat there smiling in the chair. The executioner can’t believe it and lets the man go.

Well, would you believe, the bloke gets his job back on the buses. Once again he rings the bell whilst passengers are still getting on, this time killing three of them. He is sent to the electric chair again. The executioner rigs up all United States electricity supply to The chair, determined to get his man this time. The man sits down in the chair smiling.

“What’s your final wish ?” asks the executioner.

“Well” says the man, “Can I have that green banana out of your packed lunch.?”

The executioner hands over his banana and the man eats it all, skin included. The executioner pulls the handle and a brazillion volts go through the chair. When the smoke rises the man is still sat there alive without even a burn mark.

“I give up” says the executioner, “I don’t understand how you can still be alive after all that?”. He stroked his chin. “It’s something to do with that green banana isn’t it” he asked.

Nahh” said the bloke,  “I’m just a really bad conductor”

A great article – my two pet peeves are:

Open cubicles
“Where is the privacy?” asks Angela Petitt, an IT professional.

Cluelessness about other coworkers
With the rise in open cubicles comes the inconsiderate coworker. “One lady sits at her desk and talks as loud as possible on personal calls, as if we can all shut our hearing off,” complains one cubicle dweller who prefers to remain anonymous. “It goes on for 20 minutes, several times a day. Annoying. Disturbing.”