Frustrated.tv

Yeah – I’ve copped out this week and last just posting jokes.   But I’m on vacation….don’t feel like thinking.

Once upon a time there was a horse and a chicken who were good friends. They lived on a farmyard with lots of other animals and were very happy. One day, while they were playing near the farm’s pond, the horse stepped into a hole of quicksand. The horse rapidly sank and was yelling for his friend, the chicken, to save him.

The chicken thought for a minute, then ran back to the farmhouse, and jumped into the farmer’s 735csi BMW. Luckily, the keys were in the ignition, and the chicken managed to start the car, and put it in gear. It raced over to the sinkhole, where the horse had almost disappeared by now. The smart chicken tied a rope around the back of the BMW and threw the other end around the front legs of the horse. The chicken hopped back in the driver’s seat and stepped on the gas. Ever so slowly, the horse eased out of the quicksand and jumped to safety. The horse, still on shaky legs, stuttered: “You just saved my life. Thank you!” The chicken just said, “Don’t mention it – That’s what friends are for!!” They returned the BMW and went out to dinner together in the barn yard.
A few days later, the horse got up from a good night’s rest, and heard some muffled cries for help coming from the backyard. The horse followed the sounds and came upon a terrible scene. There was his best friend, the chicken, stuck in a hole of quicksand! The sand was already up to its neck-feathers and the cries for help had almost stopped. The horse took a quick look around: No rope in sight And the farmer had gone to town with his BMW. What to do? The horse took a deep breath and spread his body and legs out over the hole. His member was dangling down right above the poor chicken.

“Here, my friend, grab my penis and I will pull you to safety!”. With its last bit of energy, the chicken grabbed a hold of the big horse-thingie and the horse straightened its body, pulling the chicken from its trap. With one big step, both were on solid ground and safe. The chicken slumped down on the ground, exhausted: “Now You saved my life, my friend!!” The horse just smiled.

And what is the moral of this story? … If you’re hung like a horse, you don’t need a BMW to pick up chicks.

I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather.
Not screaming in terror like his passengers.

The Funniest Staff Meeting Ever!

The boss of a Madison Avenue advertising agency called a spontaneous staff meeting in the middle of a particularly stressful week. (This is one pretty sharp boss!) When everyone gathered, the boss, who understood the benefits of having fun, told the burnt out staff the purpose of the meeting was to have a quick contest. The theme: Viagra advertising slogans.

The only rule was they had to use past ad slogans, originally written for other products that captured the essence of Viagra. Slight variations were acceptable. About 7 minutes later, they turned in their suggestions and created a Top 10 List. With all the laughter and camaraderie, the rest of the week went very well for everyone! The top 10 were:

10. Viagra, Whaazzzz up!
9. Viagra, The quicker pecker picker upper.
8. Viagra, like a rock !
7. Viagra, When it absolutely, positively has to be there overnight.
6. Viagra , Be all that you can be.
5. Viagra, Reach out and touch someone.
4. Viagra, Strong enough for a man, but made for a woman.
3. Viagra, Home of the whopper!
2. Viagra, We bring good things to Life!

And the unanimous number one slogan:

1. This is your penis. This is your penis on drugs.

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Juan comes up to the Mexican border on his bicycle. He has two large bags over his shoulders. A guard stops him and says, “What’s in the bags?”
“Sand,” answered Juan.
The guard says, “We’ll just see about that. Get off the bike.”
The guard takes the bags and rips them apart; he empties them out and finds nothing in them but sand. He detains Juan overnight and has the sand analyzed, only to discover that there is nothing but pure sand in the bags. The guard releases Juan, puts the sand into new bags, lifts them onto the man’s shoulders, and lets him cross the border.
A week later, the same thing happens. The guard asks, “What have you got?”
“Sand,” says Juan.
The guard does his thorough examination and discovers that the bags contain nothing but sand. He gives the sand back to Juan, and Juan crosses the border on his bicycle.
This sequence of events repeats every day for three years. Then one day, Juan doesn’t show up. The guard meets up with him in a cantina in Mexico.
“Hey, buddy,” the guard says, “I know you’re smuggling something. It’s driving me crazy. It’s all I think about. I can’t sleep. Just between you and me, what are you smuggling?”
“Bicycles,” Juan says.

Man this working all day at an office thing sucks…working from home is so much better….

Another busy week – so you get another joke (lol).  At least I remembered my blog this week but for some reason I keep thinking its Thursday.  Did that all day yesterday too…

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John got into his old work clothes one Saturday
morning and set about all the chores his wife Jill
had been urging him to do all week…

He cleaned the garage, pruned the hedges, and was
halfway through mowing the lawn when a woman pulled up
in the driveway and called out her window, “Say, what
do you get for yard work?”

John thought for a moment, then answered, “The lady
who lives here lets me sleep with her.”

Busy week…no time for blogginating..so here’s a chuckle

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Week….almost….over….

The Washington Post recently published a contest for readers in which they were asked to supply alternative meanings for various words. The following were some of the winning entries:

Abdicate (v.), to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.

Carcinoma (n.), a valley in California, notable for its heavy smog.

Esplanade (v.), to attempt an explanation while drunk.

Willy-nilly (adj.), impotent
Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much weight you have gained.

Negligent (adj.), describes a condition in which you absentmindedly answer the door in your nightie.

Lymph (v.), to walk with a lisp.

Coffee (n.), a person who is coughed upon.

Balderdash (n.), a rapidly receding hairline.

Testicle (n.), a humorous question on an exam.

Rectitude (n.), the formal, dignified demeanor assumed by a proctologist immediately before he examines you.

Oyster (n.), a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddish expressions.

Circumvent (n.), the opening in the front of boxer shorts

Frisbatarianism (n.), The belief that, when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck there.

The Washington Post’s Style Invitational also asked readers to take any word from the dictionary,alter it by adding,subtracting or changing one letter, and supply a new definition. Here are some recent winners:

Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the reader who doesn’t get it.

Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.

Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of obtaining sex.

Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously.

Karmageddon: It’s like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it’s like a serious bummer. (Wifey actually started using this one many many years ago…so she gets owner’s credit as far as I’m concerned)

Glibido: All talk and no action.

Dopeler effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.

Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a refund from the IRS, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.

And finally . . . Ignoranus: A person who’s both stupid and an asshole.

Conversations like this happen quite frequently around our place….

Revenue Canada sends their auditor (a nasty little man) to audit a synagogue.  The auditor is doing all the checks, and then turns to the Rabbi and says, “I noticed that you buy a lot of candles.”

“Yes,” answered the Rabbi…

“Well, Rabbi, what do you do with the candle drippings?” he asked..

“A good question,” noted the Rabbi.  “We actually save them up.. When we have enough, we send them back to the candle maker and every now and then, they send us a free box of candles.”

“Oh,” replied the auditor somewhat disappointed that his question actually had a practical answer.  So he thought he’d try another question, in his obnoxious way…

“Rabbi, what about all these matzo purchases?  What do you do with the crumbs from the matzo?

“Ah, yes,” replied the Rabbi calmly, “we actually collect up the crumbs, we send them in a box back to the manufacturer and every now and then, they send a box of matzo balls.”

“Oh,” replied the auditor, thinking hard how to fluster the Rabbi.

“Well, Rabbi,” he went on, “what do you do with all the foreskins from the circumcisions?”

“Yes, here too, we do not waste,” answered the Rabbi.  “What we do is save up all the foreskins, and when we have enough we actually send them to Revenue Canada .”

“To Revenue Canada ?” questioned the auditor in disbelief.

“Ah, yes,” replied the Rabbi, “directly to Revenue Canada …And about once a year, they send us a little prick like you.”

For the first time in a number of years I get both Friday AND Monday off for Easter.   Granted I can’t bill the client for them either, but I’d rather be at home with the family any day.

Stuffed at me Mum’s for Dinner with Roast Beast and the usual trimmings.  Today I get spoiled by Wifey’s beef stew (made with leftover beast) and tomorrow we have Chili (made with leftover beast)

And just cuz its Monday and I know some of you suckers have to be at work…here’s a couple o’ larfs

Hope y’all had a good easter.

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Newfie Drunk….

Recently, during a routine patrol, an RCMP patrolman parked down the street outside a Legion Hall just off the main road in Gander NL.

After last call, the officer observed a man leaving the Legion Hall. The gentleman was so intoxicated that he could barely walk. He then stumbled around the parking lot for a few minutes, with the officer quietly observing. After what seemed an eternity and trying his keys on five different vehicles, the man managed to find his car, which he fell into.

He sat there for a few minutes and then threw a hook and line out the window and seemed to be trying to catch a fish. A number of other patrons paid no attention to  this crazy drunk as they left the bar and drove off.

Finally, the drunk started the car, switched the wipers on and off (it was a fine, dry summer night) flicked the blinkers on and off a couple of times, honked the horn, and switched on the headlights.

He then pulled in the hook and line and moved the vehicle forward a few inches, reversed a little and then remained still for a few more minutes as some more of the  other patron vehicles left. At last, the parking lot was empty; he pulled out of the parking lot and started to drive slowly down the road.

The officer, having patiently waited all this time, now started up the patrol car, put on the flashing lights, and promptly pulled the man over.. He performed a breathalyzer test on the gentleman who cooperated fully, and to his amazement the breathalyzer indicated no evidence of the man having consumed any  alcohol at all!

Dumbfounded, the officer said, ‘I’ll have to ask you to accompany me to Headquarters.
This breathalyzer equipment must be broken.”
“I doubt it,” said the truly proud Newfie,

“Tonight, I’m the designated decoy.”

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On Her Hands & Knees

Walking into the bar, Mike said to Charlie the bartender, “Pour me a stiff one – just had another fight with the little woman.”
“Oh yeah?” said Charlie “And how did this one end?”
“When it was over,” Mike replied, “she came to me on her hands and knees.
“Really,” said Charles, “now that’s a switch! What did she say?”
She said, “Come out from under the bed, you little chicken shit”

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